What I feel is true, it's all true

…Finally…

- February 28 -

I can move on. And I’m movin’ on. A few months behind, but all in His good timing, and because my @ss prayed desperately for an answer, and I finally got it. CHETT!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I knew something was missing. That was the first time I ever received an answer like that but f@dge did my @ss need it.

I’ve got the answer I’ve been praying for for 3 mofrickin’ years, sonnn…that dude was just playing with me. Messing with my heart and sh/. F*CCCdge dude.

Michelle is ONLY 20? What? She’s hella pretty tho. All those girls are.

Dang I’m turning friggin’ 24 in 1.5 weeks. 10 days. My 24th birrrday. Wow. 0.o

It’s a great age, actually. Really great age. Not yet 25, yet mid-20’s finally. Whoohoo I’ve waited my whole life to get here. To finally get respect for being this ‘floaty’ age. Whoohoo.

Did I tell you guys that I have never been more SCARED SH/LESS IN MY ENTIRE LIFE RIGHT NOW? Not having that ‘safety net’ is really killing me inside, because of the actual fact that I have all this freedom. I may actually not end up like my other Ates. It could happen at like age 30 for me, feel? I’m seriously not in a rush for this thing, but all I know is I’m scared as F*****CK. NO FRICKIN’ LIE BLOOD. OMG. Scared for things to come, that is me.

I’M SUCH A FRIGGIN’ SCAREDY CAT!!! NOT A PUSSY, BUT A SCAREDY CAT. Even being friends with A***** scares the crap outta me-and what I feel for him. Norbert not so much. I just learned to control my feelings throughout all this. Kuya is right.

But wow, anything can happen now. I guess I’m saying I have all this freedom now because time is coming now for me to hop back into serving and just going to activities…that’s where my heart is at, to be with my Lord…my Life…my Savior…to face things head on now that I got this first big one out of the way and answers have arrived.

Ok time to buy some make-up forreal because if my heart is gonna keep going through these type of things ya girl needs ta look GOOD, namean? Seriously tho no more of that bruha chett. I’m getting ready for battle here.

I wanna do something for my birthday. I’m kinda scared though. But I wanna plan something with my girls. Something chill. Dinner and a lounge. I haven’t celebrated my birthday since I was 18. Thing is it’s Lent time. So I don’t wanna provoke people into drinking and getting drunk when they shouldn’t be. What to do, what to do…

But anyways, I was deeply wounded in battle. So the Lord wanted my heart to heal. And that’s what I had to do to become a stronger soldier by leaving. I will never allow that chett to happen again. Next time I’ll know better. IT’S A BATTLE AND I’M ALMOST READY TO GET BACK IN THERE AND FIGHT. I JUST HAD TO GET SOME ANSWERS AND HEAL FIRST. ALL THIS PAIN, I’M TAKING IT FOR MYSELF AND FOR YOU, AMA. I KNOW IT’S GOOD FOR ME AND SOMETHING I HAVE TO GO THROUGH AS A SOLDIER. I JUST HOPE IT NEVER GETS THIS BAD AGAIN. BUT AT LEAST I CAN I SAY I KNOW HOW IT FEELS. HOW COULD I BE A GREAT SOLDIER IF I CAN’T RELATE WITH THE PEOPLE. I’M NOT THAT SUWERTE, YOU KNOW.

I guess…

- February 14 -

God is forcing me to fix a lot of things in my life…I guess this is all His plan…in order for my heart to finally be complete someway…this is all crazy…no wonder he’s keeping me away from relationships for the meantime…gotta resolve this thing first I guess…I hope it’s the last one…this thing with my mom…and hopefully my brother too…and Maricris, if any…

I hope things work out with me and my family, Ama…this one with my mom was super huge oh muh gosh…the most heart wrenching one…

I hope this is all from You, Ama…all in Your fruitful plan for me, I’ve still got plenty to learn…hoping I’m learning in the right pace…and that my heart will be complete soon enough…I hope it doesn’t take me 50 million years to learn what I have to…I know I am imperfect still…but I’m happy for all these lessons I’m learning…all these lessons that I can only learn with You and You alone…I’m thankful for them…family is everything to me right now…

I dunno what’s gonna happen to me…I just hope it all works out…I’ve just been so sad lately…not pretty funny…well, Happy Valentine’s Day, Ama…for now You are my Valentine…thank You…it’s just another year for me…my birthday is coming up…I wonder if You have any surprises up your sleeve for me…I guess there’s just some surprises I am not ready for yet, only You know if I am Ama…only You know…and even though I’m sad, I guess I’ll just leave it up to You…

Man, I hope I can get this homework done…I am so sad…just doing it…because I have some work to do…

I’m thankful to be able to find a phone from my friend Joey…I think it will last me a while…thank You for that, Ama, thank You…

Please just help me, Lord to do this right now…Please help me to do what I have to do…thank You and Amen…I just gotta get thru this…I hope to not have to put myself thru this again anymore, Ama…I don’t like last minute so much…but I know I’m being trained…

I hope I keep learning, and will be ready for whatever You have to give to me…my offering…I can be so stubborn…this is my relationship with You, Ama…

As for Arch!e, inside of me…he is still one of my friends somehow even though we don’t talk anymore. It was hard for me to accept things, really hard…the hardest thing I had to do in my life…to let someone go that I loved…the most prideful I’ve ever been as well. Even though I know he and I can’t be together anymore, I am happy for him to be with the one he should be with…even if it means her…and if he were to ever to come back into my life like that, I could just cry…so much pride for me right there to ever tell him how I feel…cos I waited so long…it would take so much for me to put my pride down for that…but I’d still do it someway if it means telling the truth…and even if I had to wait so long. Man I can’t even look at the dude honestly… Not saying it’s gonna happen but if it ever did…what am I supposed to do…that’s all I could ask myself. All I know is M N I is happy that I am doing this…

But yeah…that’s the story of my life so far…it’s been an interesting story for being 24… pretty colorful…honestly 25 is just the beginning, forreal tho…by the time I’m 30 I’d hope for it to be full with lots of colors and stories…good and bad…6 more years of that lol wow…=)…by then I’d have lived a pretty full life at that age…cool…=)

I guess I’m just enjoying this thing called my mid-20’s at this point…my youth and my freedom…pretty cool I’d say…I ain’t really got any plans…but all I know in terms of relationship-wise I’ve known what I’ve wanted since I was 19…let’s see if I get what I ask for…or something even better…he better like the oldschool heheh…better…I can’t live without this stuff…

I’m still def. working out things I thought I would have worked out by now…like this procrastination thing lol…man…it’s taking me extra long…even the personal hygiene and being on time thing…I guess you can’t rush these things…well I guess I am able to work on these things right now since I ain’t really in a rush to go anywhere…

For my mom all I’m asking her is if she comes here to visit me once a week…and in exchange what would really help her is just for me to finish my schooling…that’s all, it’s really simple…

DAAAAAAAAYUUUUUUUUM. I just really needed time to heal from this all. Friggin’ serious. My gosh. Biggest things in my life to break me…I’m only a human being…so I wasn’t as strong to handle all that I was carrying…it was nutz…

I’ve never opened my heart to anyone or anything like that as I did these past 5 years…it was crazy…for me to be able to bear my heart and soul like that…stripped naked I tell ya! Problem is…I don’t know if I could ever do it again. How could I ever do it again? Maybe I’m not meant to do it again like that…but it’s been a nutty 5 years…gooshness…

Man…I really don’t have a crush on nobody…N-O-B-O-D-Y…ain’t nobody that I have a crush on ever have a crush on me. Crazy. And if they do they never have the guts to tell me…c’mon now…nobody is my type hahah…ain’t nobody gonna break me…but I’m willing to give things a try…I am…I hope the mold fits…

I should go bowling every week…man since nobody wants to start up something, I should…geeze…c’mon ppl! I gotta pray for some more stable friends I guess…I guess my family are my best friends…

SH*****T dude, at this point I am SF…SINGLE FOREVER. Oh my God…real tho. Please, I don’t wanna be with him. You can’t make me. Nobody can. Y’all leave me alone, thanks…but dammit I guess I gotta be open to whatever He sends me…f*AAAACK

Love, T

Ok. Well…it’s 2:40am

- February 5 -

I guess I wanna get away…because a big part of me feels like I didn’t get the childhood I deserved.

I wish things were just ‘normal’ for me…my dad did his best, but part of me still feels miserable and unsatisfied about it all. And I feel that running off into a life of my own finally will be a big relief for me. I still got much love for my family, of course. But at the same time I want/deserve my freedom after all that I went through with them. Mostly my dad. His job is pretty much done now…

I want to finally live the life I’ve always wanted…nice clean house, fixed car, good job, serving the Lord…and just be more settled in things. THEN maybe I can finally get a boyfriend. Geeze. It has taken so long for me to get here. I guess you know when the right time is for things when you are forced to make a decision…that is what I’m learning…

I really want to get back into serving in terms of just going to the activities again. I am a quiet servant now. I have been so humbled in so many ways that I can barely even speak in front of my b..a..s..i..c anymore. Perhaps it is the pride in me. Man it is so hard to serve Him. Like a big heavy rock. I’m not gone, but my pride has been crushed so severely I don’t know how I’m gonna be able to go back to how it was before. How Ama? How? I thought You wanted me to serve you, I guess this is my way of serving You right now…by finding a job and stuff…I really wish I can talk to Arch!e someday…and straighten things out…just me and him…you know? But I’m so scared with everything that happened…=(. I wish he was mature enough to have that conversation with me and keep it between us…I wish he changed at least in THAT way you know?

I keep wishing my life was just PERFECT…I’m a perfectionist in that way…but I know it can’t be…but I sure as heck do work hard for everything I have…

What I do realize is that I do not want to devote my future to a life of web design and graphic design. I love it, that’s for sure…but just as a HOBBY and part-time thing. I can’t see myself doing it everyday I get so frustrated and have to force myself to do the work omg. Plus the deadlines…eek! I just use web design as a creative outlet for me for my artistic endeavors. That goes #1 for me. But in terms of business-wise, it will take a while. I like artistic graphic/web design best. I cannot see myself in front of a computer all day. I realize that I am definitely a people person and I love interacting with others. It’s a great feeling. Which is why studying Pilipino is perfect for me-it helps with my people skills. I guess I really am just an artist at heart. But I guess I realize I like the admin side to things because I like to be an organized person, wherever I go I try to be.

Ok. Well that’s over now.

- January 30 -

It really is a brand new life 4 me. Although sometimes I wish it wasn’t, and I find myself continually clinging onto the past. I am def. a changed person now…if it wasn’t for what happened.

As for him, I wonder why he came in and out my life like that…and just left me with nothing. I keep wondering why MNI would allow that to happen to me…for me to feel such a strong feeling for someone in thinking that he was the ‘one’…I honestly thought that he WAS the one and that we would spend our happily ever after together…but why was I so wrong? And why did Ate give me a message like that…I guess it really was to let me down gently…cos man how could you love that person so much and have them not be the one? I was so happy with the feelings I got from him…but his actions did make me unhappy…but why do I have it in my heart to forgive…but at the same time if he is the way he still is…it’s still difficult…despite the fact I loved him and I still do…that’s what makes it hard…

Who will be the one for me? And why did God allow me to feel this way for this one special person…how am I ever to get over this?

I can’t wait until Sunday. Wow Philip’s 2 years of service is over now. Wow! Has it really been 2 years since 2008? Oh my God…wow…I can’t believe it…2007 was the worse year of my life honestly…oh man…how painful…and confusing…a year to forget…I also can’t wait until 2011 as well…oh my god…

I can’t wait to see Philip for some reason…getting butterflies in my stomach. I wonder if he’ll ever holler at me again…I wish…I’ll pray for that…that I won’t be so nervous when I see him…I’m trying to be a little more lenient when it comes to relationships…and forgiving…and not be so uptight…and not expect so much. I’m changing the whole game and my thinking man…

But man I’ll never forget Arch!e. I learned so much through that experience. It still boggles me and has an affect on me. It’s like my soul ‘stops’ when I think of him and the times we shared…was that just first love, forreal? It was f*ckin’ strong…oh my God…so much I’ll never forget him…I wish I could talk to him still somehow…just to thank him for the experience…man I still got love for him…it’s so hard…man I still can’t believe he ain’t the ‘one’…Dear God please send a replacement, is it time now? When I look at my past, man it hurts me so much…so much, Lord…thank God I did not marry that man at least…if he’s really not the one…we would have broke up anyways…I just wish I could thank him for the experience and get real and final closure with him…that’s all…if Arch!e will even talk to me anymore…I still miss him in a sense…but I know I gotta stay away…

Dear God, help me please…I’m gonna be praying double time…I’m going to Fats for sure this week…and perhaps Vigil…with Ate Justine…I hope things with me and Kuya Am@deo get solved too…and for N0rbert…I’m just avoiding him…he really scares me…

I’m trying to be a changed person here…a changed woman…

Wow it’s a lot to deal with…I’m just trying to control my emotions…and finally just…LIVE…it’s been a long ride for the past 23 years…year 24-25will def. be something else…

Man, I really do have an old soul…I like watching things later than when they come out…and I still really enjoy re-runs…why is my soul like this…I enjoy everything about the past…cos the future ain’t lookin’ so bright…I feel like the best has already happened and has been discovered…

You’ve FAILED…miserably…over and over again…to the 10th power…

- January 28 -

Over and over again…5 million little stabs to the heart…

You failed me…in loving me…in choosing me…in showing that you cared…you’ve failed, miserably…and another thing you’ve failed is by still being with her…you’ve failed in everything…you are the ultimate failure in my life, A_-hie and I hope you feel it inside…I seriously hope you do…I wish you hadn’t…I tested you, and you are the biggest failure in my life…and now, as much as I wish for you to be here next to me and to kiss you and finally just be with YOU and no matter how dissapointed I am…there is nothing I can do in my heart but to JUST PRAY…that God will move a mountain for me…this big heavy rock of a mountain…And this time, I hope I’m READY…I KNOW I’M READY…I JUST HOPE HE’S READY…TO FINALLY BE WITH ME, BECAUSE I’VE WAITED SO LONG FOR YOU…MY LOVE…

I guess now is the right time for me to be praying this novena…it’s time to PRAY…I can’t stop anymore…it’s time…my heart keeps telling me to…

Time to P.U.S.H….as much as I don’t wanna…I gotta…I hope this precious and helpful novena to St. Jude will save my life…it’s my last chance…I’ll pray it everyday of my life…everyday if I have to…it says it is never known to fail…and I need all the help I can get…in my desperate case…in all my desperate cases, most especially this one…God I will never ever forget You again…no matter what…just please give me what I’m asking for so that I can be happy once again…

LORD, I DON’T NEED TO SEE YOUR PICTURE TO PRAY THIS DESPERATE PRAYER…I WILL JUST USE MY HEART…FOR GOOD…FOR LIFE…AND BE WISE…

I THINK I’M READY NOW…AND I GET THE POINT…

THERE WILL NEVER BE ‘JUST THE PERFECT TIME’…THE RIGHT TIME COULD BE NOW…EVEN WITH ALL THIS…I JUST WANTED TO BE READY…WITH ALL THE PRAYERS IN THE EARTH TO MOVE THIS BIG MOUNTAIN OF MINE…THIS BIG PAIN, MY SORROW…I WANT TO GET BACK TO SERVING AGAIN…BUT NOT UNTIL AFTER MAY, AFTER THE WEDDING…NOT EVER, UNTIL MY HEART CAN LEARN TO BREATHE AGAIN…COS THIS IS PURE TORTURE…

I should be prayin…EVERYDAY…

Every second, every minute, every hour, everyday…

Whenever I get panic attacks and my heart aches and my mind worries…it’s a sign for me Drop To My Knees and Pray…

I’m tryin to get down to 2 rosaries a day…man…

Yeah…

I guess I kinda sorta can’t wait ‘til monday…sorta…not the hw part…but the just…going to school part…I guess…let’s just get it started already.

I decided not to apply for the Filipino scholarship thing this year. I guess I feel I’m not ready. And it’s a bit too late already. Deadline is already soon and I haven’t got anything. I just hope and pray I don’t regret this decision. I just followed what my step mom said and I’m focusing on my career. I hope studying abroad won’t get in the way of any future relationship or that the guy’s gonna cheat on me or something. Hope not. I’m scared to death about that. I hope I can still study abroad someday. It is a dream of mine. I guess I’m gonna have to fight for it.

I’m still upset about what happened to me. But I can’t fight for what was never mine, you know…that’s why…but why is this so difficult. I wish I didn’t cause this heartache for myself, if I did. I keep blaming myself for things. And it’s sucks. :(

I’m gonna pray my daily rosary now, even if it’s late. It’s the only thing I know to turn to and take for granted…I know I don’t do it enough, only when I need something…I’m trying to climb back up there spiritually in some way too…

I wish someone cared…part of me still thinks whatshisface does…and that smile of his is just all fake…

I guess I just gotta keep p.u.s.h.ing until things get better…as Ate said…I know this is helping me become who I gotta be…even though it has been hard…

I’m almost 24…and I’ve been waiting…

I’ve been patiently waiting and trying to make myself as perfect as I can be for this person that’s gonna come…

- Cooking

- Cleaning

- Studying

- Hanging out

- Knowing how to ‘drink’ and ‘chill’

- Punctuality (still working on it)

- Sleeping (can’t help that factoid ‘til I’m old)

My heart is holding on…holding on all it can…I have been so patient…ever so patient…sometimes I feel like making a move but I know I can’t…

And sometimes I think about whathisface…yet he is so far…

I’m trying my best to P.U.S.H. for this…yet I don’t want to rush it…this ain’t something you can P.U.S.H. for that much…and I’m hoping I’m doing it for the right reasons…it would be nice to have a friend…for all the right reasons…

Do I really have to wait until I’m 25, Ama? That is so far from now…=[

G*sh is a nice guy…Ate Steph is lucky to have him…

The busier I get…

The more I feel the need to write in this less…

Now that I’m almost 24…now I finally started clubbing…I finally feel the right age for this sh*t. Serious. Now I’m finally livin’ it up the way I’m supposed to.

Keeping myself and my schedule busy is the only thing keeping me sane for now…my heart is quite so miserable…I keep looking for the right boy, but yes…I know…he should find me…well I’m open to that search…

I know I’m in school and everything, and I know I’m asking this from God…for a relationship…but God when you gonna take this pain away?